Every night i try to end my day by simply talking to my fiancé. Here’s a glimpse of how our conversation went last night...
Last night as me and the MelanatedMama are winding down from a busy day, we ended up in random talks while watching other parent bloggers/vloggers on YouTube. As we watched and made comparisons a conversation ensued that brought both self discovery as well as an appreciation for our openness.
We started talking about parenting styles and how we envision our children at different ages. Some where along the conversation I mentioned how I would pull a bad boys move ( ya know when Will and Martin greeted the boy on Will’s daughter first date) when any of our melanated heirs go on their first dates. She followed to scold me for wanting to resort to using intimidation to address males who wanted to date our daughter. I had to reflect on being that way ( as if she forgot i was an army soldier who is trained and ready). She then proceed to help me unpack that thinking... we were in search of a balance cause i feel strongly about setting boundaries and expectations.
We had the talk about planting and nurturing ( trusting ) our children so that they wouldn’t have me do that . I then followed up with the obvious answer, “ I ain’t worried about mine, that talk is to prevent a death from occurring, You don’t know my standard so imma give it o you” While she understood, we still had more talking to do. We needed to discuss how to handle individuals who come into our children’s lives without being raised in an intentionally fruitful environment. As the conversation ebbed and flowed i caught a glimpse of her giving me that flirty look a man drops some knowledge.
Naturally the conversation transitioned to the importance of fathers and mothers in the home and them not knowing how to make fruitful children due to the lack of fruit they were planted with. Unpacking trauma from what we have seen ( absentee two parent situations, lack of nurturing etc) and started dealing with the loss of parents and the void that leaves. There’s a balance in our home that works because we have similar views of parenting... the caveat is how they manifest. This is why we talk and evaluate situations often together so that we are aligned and on the same page.
Often times our naked talks begin with a reflection of the day and our progression of our collective and personal goals. We both are busy professionals and when we don’t center our naked conversations we are off, usually causing conflicts.
As a couple we define naked conversations as the safe space to bring forth topics that are often difficult, with no judgement and end goal of innovative collaborative problem solving.
A healthy relationships relies heavily on the ability to be naked with one another. As i prepare myself to become a husband more and more this space in my relationship takes precedent.
Here are a few steps to create a safe Space for Naked conversations within your relationships:
1. Be Reflective- You have to be ready to be called out without taking it personally. Perspective is important and being able to understand that of your partners is the first step to understand how your words actions etc impact them. Assume the best.
2. Create the space- dedicate time to sit with undivided attention to talk. We do it nightly, however what works best for you will work best for you! Honor the space.
3. Do the work - There will be things that take you out of your comfort zone. Your partner will ask or request things that possibly go against the norm. It may suck but healthy relationships require sacrifice and work.
Now these aren’t all nor the only steps but it is a start to creating that space. Please share follow and be on the lookout for the next melanated daddy post.
Love you all,
FIRST DAY OF DADDY DUTY WITH BOTH MELENATED HEIRS. Babe had a job fair and I had to conquer ( In my head) 2 babies who wanted mommy as soon as they woke up. In reality King was very pleased with daddy time. Mar Mar on the other hand wanted mama and decided sleep was the quickest way to getting momma time. so she went right back in her room and passed out. Me and king watched Spider-Man and dead pool until it was time to get dressed. He picked his outfit out and was ready for the show. Mar wasn’t feeling me lol . She warmed up as she ate her food and then started watching tv with the fellas. after packing snacks it’s time for ko-thi dance practice and tryouts. I’m driving to some bumbling so a and African inspired music in an attempt to bring out the wakandian in mar mar. When i say it worked she out danced her entire class. Her face lit up as she saw both momma and me cheering her on like there was no tomorrow.
POPPA MELANIN’S HOW TO: Today’s focus word is patience. Coming into an established family and gaining the hearts and minds of both the woman and the kids is a job all in itself. When you factor in years of Eff Boys and unanswered promises and expectations it can be a lot. Remember patience is the word. Patience with our Queens so they can see the difference and the actions behind your words. Patience with the kids to allow them to work through those meltdowns so they can understand that you’re not just a figure but your present and not going anywhere. Even patience with yourself when you may want so much more then they are willing to give . Now I am speaking on patience but not giving examples.
Now doing these things won’t just build the bridge for the family it also teaches me more and more about the individuals in the village so I can better serve there needs at all time.
Recap of daddy’s first day alone. I’m DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nah seriously to have earned their trust with only showing consistency and love has been a truly eye opening thing. I’m loving the ride but more then that loving all the melanin I’ve been blessed and charged with of molding and loving perfectly.
I’m sitting at work this afternoon thinking on a conversation me and the Mrs had the other day. She was laying next to me cuddled up and told me “ At times I feel like I’m not worthy of you and this loving”. To hear that really through me for a leap since she is single handedly the best woman i have ever had the pleasure of calling my own. So after hearing this i went straight into prayer to understand how that could be a thing. The answer came to me later as i was talking to an old h.s football team mate turned M.I.T ( Minister in training). He came into my place of employment and as we each are doing our jobs the spirit crept in and a very good conversation ensued.
Now let me premise this with some historical information to help you better understand the significance of this conversation.
As a man we are raised to be strong, not show any emotion etc, but to allow yourself to feel and be human and give your emotions a voice is necessary. My Queen doesn’t feel worthy because of the simple fact that people prior to me caused that emotional response to be the norm. I reaffirm her daily so that she knows she is, but that doesn’t erase the pain, heartbreak, objectifying, womanizing behavior she saw prior to me.
Men there are very simple things we owe our queens, especially coming into a situation where Men before us have caused some pain.
As Always Signing Out